Dan Bernard-A Therapist's View

Exercise as a metaphor.

2011-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

I just picked up running after many years, ok a decade or more, and am amazed at what my body can do.
I hesitated for a long time thinking I couldn't handle it, or that I was too old to restart (57 this year).
But I had to call bullshit on myself, stop making excuses and just do it. (Okay, I did buy some new Nikes.)
Anyway, as I push myself along there are many moments of self-doubt and defeatist self-talk, especially on an upgrade. "I should stop". "My body can't handle this". Ecetera. When I look down and focus on just the road at my feet and and take one step at a time (pardon all the cliches), I find joy and satisfaction as I actually reach my goal!!
Exercise as a metaphor.
Have a great day!

Defensiveness and Relationships

2011-04-28T08:03:00.001-07:00

A common defense in relationships is playing the blame-game.

One version is to pathologize our partner, or conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them. When we pass this judgment, we tend to conclude that they have mental problems. We may even focus on what we know of their childhood and past relationships to support our theory.

The beauty of this defense is that it lets us off the hook: “if they’re flawed, then we must be ok”. This reasoning allows us to draw attention and responsibility from ourselves and place blame on them.

Projection.

2011-04-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

One common form of this phenomenon is the unconscious projection of our unfinished family of origin business onto our spouse (for instance: our need for affection that is in part due to the lack of those needs being met in childhood). This isn't to say that we shouldn't want and expect affection in our marriages. Instead, the idea is that when our partner doesn't meet those needs, we see them as the cause of our pain, when the true origin of this pain more likely lies in our childhood experience of this unmet need.

More importantly, if we push our partner hard enough about their failure to come through for us in this manner, we also increase the likelihood of those needs not being met. In this way, we end up unconsciously acting to keep ourselves in this familiar, yet painful interpersonal arrangement, one where our pain continues, as does our self-doubt and low self-esteem.

The Brain Chemistry of Love

2011-04-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

"...all of the basic drives are associated with elevated levels of central dopamine. So is romantic love. And like all other drives, romantice love is a need, a craving. We need food. We need water. We need warmth. And the lover feels he/she needs the beloved."

Why We Love, pg 75, 2004, Fisher, Helen.

Another common cognitive distortion: personalization.

2011-04-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

With this distortion we take events, including the statements, or actions of other personally without sufficient evidence to support such a connection.

This tendency suggests our need for stronger and clearer boundaries.

Remember: what others say, or do says infinitely more about them than about us.

Cognitive Distortions (formally know as Thinking Errors).

2011-03-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

One of my favorites...

Mental filtering: We focus our attention on details that support our assumptions and ignore additional facts that might put these assumptions into question.

In statistics: Confirmation bias.

Positive visualization: the behavioral you.

2011-03-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

Here, I'm talking about creating a positive visualization of your actions in the course of a tough conversation.
If you're like a lot of people in a difficult conversation you might:

interrupt, or talk over your partner.
raise your voice, yell, or shout.
turn away, or leave the room.
play the blame game.
become defensive.

When creating your own positive alternative for these behaviors you can write a list of more constructive, relationship enhancing behaviors:

listening, validating, acknowledging.
keeping your voice down.
taking turns.

As with my other posts regarding positive visualizations, be sure to do your breathing as you visualize.

As always, I look forward to your questions on these topics.

Positive Visualization: The cognitive you.

2011-02-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

By cognitive, I'm referring to the thoughts you have during a difficult conversation. One thing that sets thoughts apart from emotions is that thoughts usually come in the form of self-talk. We often say things to ourselves at such times: "here we go again", "this relationship is never going to change", etc.

After identifying your self-talk, you can write a new and improved script of positive, self-affirming things you can tell yourself: "stay calm", "you can do it", "keep breathing", etc.

Go ahead and include this new self-talk into your emerging positive visualization and use it as I've mentioned in recent blog entries...along with the breathing.

Do your deep breathing and visualize yourself being all you can be!

Positive Visualization: The emotional you.

2011-01-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

In difficult conversations, it's not unusual to be filled or flooded with negative emotions:
dread, fear, confusion, sadness, powerlessness, inadequacy, etc.

In this positive visualization approach, it's a chance to identify feelings you'd prefer to have:
calm, confidence, adequacy, strength, presence, patience, etc.

If you couple these positive emotions with your positive physical visualization and a breathing exercise you can begin to create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.

Another tip: when you think about a past or future challenging conversation tune-in to your positive visualization and take a few slow, deep breaths (slow exhale).

Positive visualization: The physical you.

2011-01-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

The physical you in a tough communication situation will have...
relaxed muscles, regular and deep breathing, slow heart-rate, normal skin tempturature, etc.
Develop your own physical self-visualization based on this model.

Next: The emotional you.

Visualization plus relaxation.

2011-01-19T09:05:00.000-08:00

This visualization, or pre-visualization works well to help foster a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.

In other words, through this process we replace what might be a negative visualization of difficult conversations and a negative self-fulfilling prophecy with a positive one.

Coupling this pre-vis. activity with a relaxation technique such as deep, abdominal breathing can increase its effectiveness.

Visualization.

2011-01-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

Your self-description, or visualization might include:
I'm calm and confident, not defensive.
I'm able to acknowledge my partner's point of view.
I can ask for a "time-out" as needed.

Keeping our balance.

2011-01-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

In regard to my last post:
A good first step is to decide how we feel and what we do when responding (not reacting) to our partner in a tough discussion.
Write a brief description of this and keep it in mind when contemplating your future conversations.

Balance and the Communication Tightrope

2011-01-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Obviously, walking a tightrope requires balance.
Balance requires the ability to maintain calm, presence of mind and a low center of gravity.

Communicating about a difficult topic with our partner will challenge our
ability to maintain these same elements of balance. Unbalanced, we risk a
drop into defensiveness and other unproductive moves.

So, how to maintain calm, presence and centeredness becomes the important question.
How do you keep balanced in a tough situation, or conversation?

Self-observation.

2010-12-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

Do you spend time bogged down in consideration of how your partner is spoiling your relationship?
Self-observation is a great antidote to this trap that can lead to a kind powerlessness.
Remember: you can't change your partner as easily as you can change yourself.
Looking at the role you play in your relationship can boost this kind of objectivity.
So, after you identify the role you played as a child in your family of origin, ask yourself if you continue to play this same role in your adult relationship(s).
Now, ask yourself if playing this role is leading to your relationship satisfaction, or not and how?

What role do we play?

2010-12-17T13:06:00.001-08:00

As children we probably played a particular role: clown, scape-goat, mediator, good girl/boy, black sheep, trouble-maker, etc.
It helps us build more self-awareness, more understanding of our contribution to adult relationships if we can identify this childhood role and consider what role we are playing in the present.

The assumptions we make.

2010-12-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

Assuming that we know what our partner thinks or feels can really short-circuit communication. If we act as if our assumptions are true then we begin to build a false and often negative connection. Of course, negative often leads to more of the same and pretty soon our relationship is characterized by contempt and resentment.

Even then we'll say that we love our partner. Well, a really good way to express that love is by assuming that we may not know them as well as we think. How about giving them the benefit of the doubt and checking our assumptions. Go to the source. Ask your loved one how they think and feel about the given topic. Give love a chance.

Marriage Vows.

2010-09-08T08:40:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you read your marriage vows?

Did you write them yourself or borrow them?

What were your hopes and dreams at the time?

What were your assumptions about marriage?

Are you living your marriage according to the vows you took?

The list of things my partner does that bug me.

2010-09-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

It's not hard to identify what your partner does that gets on your nerves. Sometimes, we'll pull that list out and review it. How depressing! How disappointing!!

What's surprising is how many of the items on our list might also be on their list. (Yes, they've got one, too.)

While it may be tempting to focus on their flaws, it's unlikely that we'll change them, even if there's plenty of love to go around. That's work they'll have to look into.

Where we can make change is in ourselves. So, take out your list, have a frank talk with yourself and see what you can do to enhance your contribution to the relationship.

Assumptions.

2010-08-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

How do my assumptions about myself, others and my world limit my ability to change?

Secure. Insecure.

2010-08-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

How do my partner's insecurities lead me to feel more secure?

2010-08-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

As a lay-person, or therapist how do you think counseling helps foster lasting change for individuals and/or couples? (Please read posted comments before commenting.)